The Dude Looks Like a Lady?

      This is another question pilfered from another advice columnist. 

Dear Abby Fool,

My son, “Max”, is 14.  We have always been able to talk about everything.  I have always told him he could trust me and his father.  I am very proud of him.

Yesterday I was shocked speechless because Max shaved his legs!  Although I almost had a heart attack, I tried to remain calm.  He says that all his friends are doing it, and that the girls like it.  His father sat down and told him that men do not shave their legs.  My son says it is the fashion, and hairy legs are not “in”.

Max is a wonderful young man.  People always tell me how lucky we are to have such a terrific son.  Am I overreacting?  I’m confused and beginning to feel the generation gap.

     -Worried Mom in Puerto Rico [Dear Abby, 10/10/2005]

     Dear Worried Mom,

It’s good you have had such an open relationship with your son, but you should face it:  That open relationship is probably over.  Fourteen is about the age where a person begins to accumulate truly interesting secrets, and as such is the age when their parents are less likely to hear all of what’s going on in their lives.  He may keep those secrets as much for your sake as his own.

You almost had a heart attack when you found your son had shaved his legs:  Just think what will happen when you find out he’s gay.  Just kidding, but shaving his legs because his male friends do so, and his obsession with fashion, do raise the question at least a little.  Maybe he had particularly furry legs, though, or he’s into swimming or cycling or ballet, sports where guys do shave their legs; or maybe the girls in Puerto Rico are repelled by signs that boys are growing up.

Anything’s possible.  But in any case, yes, you are overreacting.  I’m sure Max remains a wonderful young man, and doubtless he will make someone of whatever gender very happy.  My advice to you is to focus more on your delicate heart condition.

 -The Fool has spoken.

An Intercepted Question

     Until I get regular correspondents, I will simply intercept questions asked of other advice columnists.

Q.  Dear Fool,

I was at a wine-tasting party and the host said that loud noises, loud music, and the confusion of children would spoil a wine.  It should be stored in a cool, dark, quiet place.  Can this possibly be true?  [Fixit, 10/20/2005]

-No Name Given

     Dear Wine Freak,

Vibrations could cause damage.  However, it would take a lot of vibrations.  If you have Metallica actually playing in the same room you keep your wine in, well, it’ll probably all get drunk long before any damage is done.  Oh…and though I have no proof of this, it may be that having children leads to your wine tasting immature.  My only basis for this is empirical evidence; all the people I know with small children have terrible wine, though it is fun drinking wine from a sippy cup.

-The Fool has spoken.

Here There Be Fool’s Gold

     You know what they say:  Those who can’t do, teach.  Since there’s practically no limit to the things I can’t do,  I am in a perfect position to help you out.  Ask me a question, and I’ll tell you no lies.  I may make fun of you, but I won’t lie.

     I reserve the right to edit for the sake of brevity and language, though not for content.