The Lioness, The Wimp, and the Old Warhorse

     Dear Abby Fool, 

My husband and I were married in our new home. My mother-in-law, “Minerva,” became extremely offended when she was not allowed to spend our wedding night here in the house with us.

This is my husband’s second marriage, and Minerva was within earshot of my husband and his first wife on their wedding night.

I say, cut the cord and respect our right to be alone on our special night. What do you say, Abby Fool?

     -New Bride in Pittsburgh (Dear Abby, 11/4/2005)

     Dear New Bride,

I am not entirely clear what the problem is.  Is it that you’re loud in bed?  Does your mother-in-law stay in your new home regularly?  Is she homeless?  Frankly, this relationship sounds so weird, when you talk about your husband cutting the cord, I am not entirely sure there isn’t a literal cord involved.  And getting married in the home, and then staying there that night:  No nice wedding, no honeymoon.  What is up with you guys?

If your mother-in-law wanted to stay in your home on your wedding night, you should have let her…and spent the night in a hotel.  This woman does not seem familiar with the idea of boundaries. 

Your husband let his mother go on his first honeymoon with him.  I don’t think you’re going to get much help from him; clearly, he has a spine of jelly.  To keep her away from your home, you have to make her want to stay away.  If mother-in-law Minerva insists on living with the two of you, I suggest you lock her in the basement until she changes her mind.

     -The Fool has spoken.

The Circle of Life

     Dear Abby Fool, 

My husband and I are child-free thirtysomethings who own a home with a yard and no fence. Our house and yard are a sanctuary from our hectic professional lives.

Lately, the neighbor’s cat has been using our yard as a place to recline, and it hisses at me angrily when I tell it to go home. I’m not fond of cats, and I’m actually afraid of this one. Also, another neighbor and his kids have been using our yard as a thoroughfare from the property behind us to their own yard, which has a fence.

I don’t go into other people’s yards. I respect the space of other people. I expect that respect in return, and don’t want people tramping through our yard. We plan to plant more flower beds in the future, and they will be in the way of their path. Am I curmudgeonly to feel this way, or should other people respect our privacy and property?

     -Encroached Upon in Florida (Dear Abby, 10/31/2005)

     Dear Encroached Upon Person,

What you need is something that will cause your neighbors to respect your boundaries.  I recommend a dog.  A fierce dog can keep the neighborhood kids and the cat away from your back yard.  If, however, you are afraid of dogs, get a wolf.  A wolf will scare off the dog.  If you are scared of wolves, bring in a wolverine.  A wolverine will kill a wolf.  If you don’t want a wolverine around–and who can blame you?–I recommend you bring in a brown bear.  If the brown bear scares you, you had better move.  After all, what are you doing living in a neighborhood with a brown bear anyway?

     -The Fool has spoken.

Aurora and the Case of the Burial Plot

     Dear Abby Fool,  

My co-workers and I got into an interesting discussion today. The topic: What would you do as far as burial is concerned if your spouse passed away and you remarried? Everyone had a different opinion.

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. If something were to happen to him and I remarried, where would I be buried? I would feel as if I were betraying both husbands if I chose one over the other. What is your opinion, and is there a “correct” answer to this?

     -Aurora from Milwaukee (Dear Abby, 10/1/2005)

     Dear Black Widow,

Does your current husband know that you are making plans for after “something” should “happen” to him?  If not, I suggest you keep it to yourself, as he may find this alarming.  The same goes for your calm confidence your next husband will predecease you as well.  If it should just so happen that you outlive two husbands (and why just stop at two…there are plenty of guys out there just cluttering up the world), and you want to rest forever with the both of them, there is a simple solution:  Cremate one, be buried next to the other, and put the urn of the cremated one inside your own casket.

I would recommend you put the one who’s less chatty inside your own casket, but that’s up to you.

     -The Fool has spoken

Modern Day Shut-In

     Dear Fool,

I’m vexed.  I’m perplexed.  How do I get women to come to my house so I don’t have to go out in order to meet them?

His Highness

     Your Highness,

Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is.  Chicks dig royalty.  But if you absolutely won’t go out of the house (can you not fit through the doors?)–well, a couple solutions suggest themselves.  First off, there is a thing called an escort service.  Believe it or not, in most places you can find them by looking in your phone book.  You can get escort services to deliver.  If that is too impersonal, not to mention too expensive, there is a magical thing called the Internet.  Don’t panic, but you are on it right now.  There are chat rooms.  You can find congenial people of the opposite sex, and begin Instant Messaging one another and exchanging emails.  The Fool is too busy blogging, but he knows a guy who has 72 female correspondents on the Internet.  4 of them have already come to visit him.  One of those has come to see him more than once, from Brazil.

You don’t know the guy, but the Fool does.  If this guy can get those kind of results, practically anyone can.

-The Fool has spoken. 

The Dude Looks Like a Lady?

      This is another question pilfered from another advice columnist. 

Dear Abby Fool,

My son, “Max”, is 14.  We have always been able to talk about everything.  I have always told him he could trust me and his father.  I am very proud of him.

Yesterday I was shocked speechless because Max shaved his legs!  Although I almost had a heart attack, I tried to remain calm.  He says that all his friends are doing it, and that the girls like it.  His father sat down and told him that men do not shave their legs.  My son says it is the fashion, and hairy legs are not “in”.

Max is a wonderful young man.  People always tell me how lucky we are to have such a terrific son.  Am I overreacting?  I’m confused and beginning to feel the generation gap.

     -Worried Mom in Puerto Rico [Dear Abby, 10/10/2005]

     Dear Worried Mom,

It’s good you have had such an open relationship with your son, but you should face it:  That open relationship is probably over.  Fourteen is about the age where a person begins to accumulate truly interesting secrets, and as such is the age when their parents are less likely to hear all of what’s going on in their lives.  He may keep those secrets as much for your sake as his own.

You almost had a heart attack when you found your son had shaved his legs:  Just think what will happen when you find out he’s gay.  Just kidding, but shaving his legs because his male friends do so, and his obsession with fashion, do raise the question at least a little.  Maybe he had particularly furry legs, though, or he’s into swimming or cycling or ballet, sports where guys do shave their legs; or maybe the girls in Puerto Rico are repelled by signs that boys are growing up.

Anything’s possible.  But in any case, yes, you are overreacting.  I’m sure Max remains a wonderful young man, and doubtless he will make someone of whatever gender very happy.  My advice to you is to focus more on your delicate heart condition.

 -The Fool has spoken.

An Intercepted Question

     Until I get regular correspondents, I will simply intercept questions asked of other advice columnists.

Q.  Dear Fool,

I was at a wine-tasting party and the host said that loud noises, loud music, and the confusion of children would spoil a wine.  It should be stored in a cool, dark, quiet place.  Can this possibly be true?  [Fixit, 10/20/2005]

-No Name Given

     Dear Wine Freak,

Vibrations could cause damage.  However, it would take a lot of vibrations.  If you have Metallica actually playing in the same room you keep your wine in, well, it’ll probably all get drunk long before any damage is done.  Oh…and though I have no proof of this, it may be that having children leads to your wine tasting immature.  My only basis for this is empirical evidence; all the people I know with small children have terrible wine, though it is fun drinking wine from a sippy cup.

-The Fool has spoken.

Here There Be Fool’s Gold

     You know what they say:  Those who can’t do, teach.  Since there’s practically no limit to the things I can’t do,  I am in a perfect position to help you out.  Ask me a question, and I’ll tell you no lies.  I may make fun of you, but I won’t lie.

     I reserve the right to edit for the sake of brevity and language, though not for content.